My So-Called Blog

It seems like eons ago that I was worried about my trip to Bangalore. In my mind’s eye, time is stretched out like a rubber band and February seems like 2007, not 2008. Maui is a distant, though dreamily pleasant, memory.

And now my time here in Bangalore has come to an end, and I am out of sorts. The thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart are a melange of joy, sadness, and a million other things. I can’t quite sort it out, and perhaps it’s not meant to be sorted this minute.

We had a funny send-off yesterday in the breakroom. The department bought a cake for Blake and I, and we gathered for what I thought would be the usual “speech”. Instead, it was a lot like a birthday celebration here. What happens in those?

Generally, the people whose birthday it is end up wearing the cake. A LOT of it. Keep Reading »

4/23/08
8:30p

The last few days have been just agonizing, for a variety of reasons. Mother Nature decided to torture me early this month with her Cascade of Hormone Insanity. I got bitten to death by unknown insect assailants in Coorg¹

Furthering the professional agony has been the need to do QA on the work I’ve trained the team in. It started out good… and now they are starting to show some cracks. And what’s my first reaction? To think I’ve failed them somehow. Did I not force them to stand on their own soon enough? Did I not turn their questions back to them and make them think enough? Am I being too harsh in my assessment? Not harsh enough?

Too. Much. Thinking. My head wanted to explode by today. I was dreading Director Man’s last day here, and I put myself through the wringer unnecessarily. I got nothing but good, positive suggestions and by the end of the day I’d regained my confidence. Now I just have to make the next 12 business days count. Keep Reading »

1. I owe you all a post about that misadventure). My Director was here and the tension was so thick it could’ve been cut with a ghurka. He left today, so the usual tomfoolery and unimpeded training can recommence. ((I really actually benefited from some of his insight however, so I kid somewhat about wanting him to leave. Somewhat. [↩]

…I’m staying an additional three weeks here in India.

I’m both excited and sad. Excited because I think it’s the best thing for the company and team, but it is a personal sacrifice, too. Still, I know it will be ok and May 10th will be here soon enough.

4/14/08, 4:31pm

That’s the sound I made when I collapsed from exhaustion today. (Not really collapsed. Figuratively only.) Friday-Sunday kicked my ass. 18, 17, and 14 hour days just took the energy out of me, and I left the office at 2pm today. I slept for a couple hours, and now I feel a tad more human.

Mentally I haven’t been in the right frame of mind at all, and I wasn’t sure what I needed to do to get back to my happy(ier) place. Sometimes it’s an activity, sometimes it’s seeking counsel from others. And then there are the occasions where only time works out the kinks. This was one of those.

I’m intensely sensitive emotionally, and though I’ve gotten better there are still times when I feel as though I’ve been slammed up against a wall of glass. Try as I might to be tough and not let the inner turmoil seep out, I can’t always control it. It’s something I need to work on. I don’t like it, and I don’t want negativity to result from this tendency. I also don’t want to desensitize and blunt my awareness of others and my surroundings. It’s a fine line, at least for me.

Things are still in limbo over being extended here in Bangalore. I really want to get that decided so I can adequately prepare to wrap up or develop new material/exercises for training. Everyone at the office is on pins and needles, bless them. I know they’re all praying to their god or gods to keep me around a bit longer- and I mean that in the kindest and most literal sense. It’s so damn endearing and humbling to have this much appreciation directed my way over something I consider so basic and fair. No matter what, I know my presence here will have lasting positive effects. It’s not very often we get such a clear-cut opportunity to do that, is it? I guess I hadn’t realized how rare that was until I’d been here awhile and saw it with my own eyes.

Communication’s been the ongoing theme here, really. Getting it, giving it, asking for it. It’s something I’ve encountered daily personally and professionally, and think this experience will alter my career course a bit. I’m not yet sure how, but we’ll see how that plays out. All I know is that I realize how crappy a job we’ve been doing in this area, and much improvement is needed.

I’m not sure what is on tap for the rest of the week, after office-hours. We never did bowl last week, opting to reschedule for Blake’s arrival and I am sure there will be more sight-seeing. Hopefully some more photos ops, and I am thoroughly enjoying that aspect of the trip. Everyone else is too, here and at home. I’ve always loved photography, and I am so thankful for the ease of digital work. Practically instant gratification isn’t always a bad thing!

Time for me to eat and read and just vegetate for a bit. If I think too much more, I might collapse again. This is one of those times when I wish for a recharge and think it would be so much easier if there was a technological way to do that…